Kim: It was a bloody hot late Sunday afternoon in August 1995. We lived in Hawaii. I was EXTREMELY pregnant and I wanted an Arby’s roast beef sandwich. I wanted it bad. Now it wasn’t until after Bob told me that he needed to go to Sears to pick up some kind of power tool that I realized I wanted that roast beef sandwich. It was getting late in the day you see, and at that point in time there were only two Arby’s on the island of Oahu, the closest one being in a mall about 10 minutes from home. I was stressing because the mall always closed earlier on Sundays and Bob would be cutting it close. As I jammed the keys into Bob’s hand and shoved him into the car I begged him to hurry back and to watch the clock because if he wasn’t careful he might lose track of time and not get to Arby’s before the mall closes. I was definitely concerned, but by this time I was confident that Bob knew better than to toy with my cravings.

Oh, yeah baby, I could already taste it! Lukewarm overly processed roast beef on an undersized bun with a few specks of dried, burnt onion, soaked with horsey sauce and Arby’s BBQ sauce, plus that melted sticky nacho-like cheese sauce all gushing out the sides with that first bite. Ohhh man and don’t forget those seasoned curly fries and a nice, icy-cold diet coke to wash it all down with. Oooooh baby. I swear I was near orgasm just thinking about it. I recall sitting on our couch and trying to find something to occupy my time but it was no use. I just waited, fixated, eyes bulging, running to the window like some lonesome dog every time I heard a car door slam. It was the longest hour and a half of my pregnant life, at least up to that point.

FINALLY! He was back! I ran to the door ready to gorge. As I opened the door I reached for my Arby’s bag. In one hand he had a Sears bag and in the other he had…uh…Safeway bags? No wonder it took him so long! He had the audacity to grocery shop too?! The nerve. My Arby’s bag must be in one of the Safeway bags. As I reached out to snatch the grocery bag I met his gaze. He had this look…something akin to dead man walking.

I felt my eyes narrow to slits and the tears start to well as I heard him say, “Honey? I uh, forgot to get your Arby’s and by the time I remembered the mall had already closed.” Now from that point it gets a little foggy because I felt myself sink into some kind of half-conscious trance. My next coherent memory is of him emptying the grocery bags and enthusiastically explaining how he was about to re-create an Arby’s roast beef sandwich right here in our very own kitchen. Obviously, when faced with the choice of driving 60 miles round trip to the only other Arby’s on the island, he opted to take his chances with the homemade version. But here’s the problem. The roast beef was too fresh, the onion buns were too big and fluffy, the horseradish wasn’t bland and creamy enough and the bbq sauce wasn’t runny and tangy enough. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I truly think it was the cheese that put me over the edge. Instead of the cheap processed runny nacho type of cheese, Bob bought the best quality block of cheddar cheese that money could buy. He then cubed it up and put it in the microwave to melt. Once it seemed sufficiently melted, he attempted to pour this greasy glop onto the sandwich but it just didn’t work. He put the other half of the bun on top and served it to me but all I could do was cry.

Looking back on it now I realize how hard Bob really tried and I think I’ve since thanked him for the effort. At the time however (and it’s funny how I can remember it like it was yesterday) he would’ve been better off driving the 60 miles.

Julie: Whooey Kim! Your description of that Arby’s sandwich was strangely seductive and utterly grotesque all at the same time. But reading through it, I could feel every bit of your rising passion and intense longing for that morsel of greasy goodness. I could totally visualize Bob walking in holding all those ridiculous grocery bags, fending off the daggars that were pouring out of your eyes, trying to sound nonchalant and cheerful. Dude, that was obviously his first encounter with the wrath of a hungry pregnant woman. Bet he never made that mistake again!